The Perfect Son.
 A: I have the perfect son.
 B: Does he smoke?
 A: No, he doesn't.
 B: Does he drink whiskey?
 A: No, he doesn't.
 B: Does he ever come home late?
 A: No, he doesn't.
 B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
 A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

 Headmaster: I've had complaints about you,
 Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
 Johnny: Nothing, sir.
 Headmaster: Exactly.
 Submitted by Maria del Pillar Villages Martinez

 Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
 Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
 Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
 Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
 Submitted by Bernadette Kelly

 A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
 B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
 Submitted by Claudia Almeida

 A: Why are you crying?
 B: The elephant is dead.
 A: Was he your pet?
 B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
 Submitted by Joe, from Indiana

 PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"
 TEACHER:" Of course not."
 PUPIL: "Good, because I haven't done my homework."
 Submitted by Miguel de Paco Moltó

 Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
 Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
 Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes    

 thewater?

 Teacher: Why are you late?
 Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
 Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
 Student: No. I was standing on it.
 Submitted by Fred G. Stone

 Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
 Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
 Man: I offer you myself.
 Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
 Man: I want to share everything with you.
 Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
 Submitted by Kara dolson

 A: Why are all those people running?
 B: They are running a race to get a cup. 
 A: Who will get the cup?
 B: The person who wins.
 A: Then why are all the others running?
 Submitted by: Girish Chavan

 Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire.
 Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
 Patient: Will it make me better?
 Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
 Submitted by: Rizwana Lahore Pakistan

 Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
 Student: I don't know.
 Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
 Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

 Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
 God said to man --- So that you will love them.
 Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
 God said to man --- So that they will love you.
 Submitted by Esmond Jones.

 1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his   

 hammer and saw?
 2. Did you hear about the deaf sheepherders who gathered his 

 flock and heard?
 Submitted by Leah Davis

 Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
 Student: No, he did it all by himself.

 Said to a railroad engineer:
 What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are

 always late.
 The reply from the railroad engineer:
 How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a 

 schedule?
 Submitted by Kyle Jefferson

 A: Look at your face I know what you have for breakfast
 B: What was it?
 A: Eggs.
 B: No, that was yesterday.
 Submitted by: Janekt Ho

 The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in 

 simple present.
 The student: I walk. You walk ....
 The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.
 The student: I run. You run ...
 Submitted by: Mouhssin

 "You look very funny wearing that belt."
 "I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."

Man: How can you tell if a man is happy?
Woman : Who cares?!
(Use as an example of a sexist joke.)